I have been in a rush. When I was in Primary, that rush was to get into High school. When I got to High school, I wanted to be in university, now that I am in university, I have been in a rush to get into the “real world”, I’ve never really asked myself what I am rushing towards and why, until I got to university…

When I was 18 years old I enrolled at Wits University to study a Bachelor in Accounting Sciences, I knew I was very fortunate to have been accepted into the course at one of the upper echelon institutions in the country. Attendance at the institution was part of a well-defined pattern that would open up windows of opportunities after university on account of my educational background, I thought.

My family was very proud and euphoric, I did feel a bit uncertain about my decision but I wouldn’t dare try to quell the euphoria by expressing how uncertain I felt and it seemed the only logical thing to do was to just walk down this path that had already been laid out.

My family’s reassurance gave me a great sense of security and made me feel that this was the proper pattern to follow. The only problem was that almost immediately after beginning the first semester of my first year I became miserably unhappy. The reason for my unhappiness was quite obscure to me, I just did not enjoy the work I was doing as much as everyone around me. I had no sense of purpose and little motivation to engage with the course. Yet there seemed like there was nothing to do but to try and make the most of it and not waste my mother’s money.

When I was done with my first year, I expressed to my family how I would like to switch my course, but I was met with disagreement and was encouraged to try a bit harder to enjoy the course, and try I did, for another year, yet daily my life appeared more meaningless and felt more wrecked. The more I felt this way, the less I could sustain my efforts to keep studying.

My second year I did little but immerse myself in countless futile activities that could distract me from the reality that I was facing, that I hated the path I was on and would end up in a profession I didn’t really want. No sooner I found myself missing some of my tests(Ma if you’re reading this I’m sorry) and failing at others. At the end of the year, I adamantly announced that I would not go back to the course, and I was finally met with understanding and support from my family and I was encouraged to go after what I really wanted and not try to live up anyone else’s expectations but my own.

It felt like there was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders because for a huge part I was driven by the fear of disappointing my family, then the fear of failure, the fear of starting over, but I strongly felt that rushing into a profession that I felt I don’t want to be in would do me more harm than good.

It was at that time that I found the courage to do what makes me happy and switch degrees. I am very happy with my decision thus far—my mental health, grades, and generally my life has improved by a great deal. This does not mean that I do not face challenges,I do, and I believe I will face challenges even after qualifying but I love what I am doing and that has made all the difference.

I flunked my second year in the course and although this was very anticipated and didn’t come with much disappointment, it did come with shame as I was very aware of the stigma surrounding failure. Contrary to that stigma, failing has been one of the best things to happen to me and it has contributed significantly to my understanding of life and mostly of myself. It has added to my growth and provided lessons of which I don’t think I could have learnt otherwise. If you have experienced failure, in or out of school, please don’t discount the value of the powerful contribution it can make to your growth. Failing can be just as valuable a lesson as passing, I would argue that sometimes it is much more valuable, it teaches too.

Of the many misconceptions about failure I feel that the most detrimental one is that it is fatal. Please don’t fall into this way of thinking. It is such an amazing opportunity to learn! I also feel that it is important to remember that qualifications are a means to an end and not an end in itself. Among other things, they are a means to personal growth and development, some of that growth can come from failing.

Throughout my time in the degree I’ve come across people who thought I was smart and auspicious by virtue of the marketing behind the degree and career path which I had chosen, but my view of myself was quite different. I felt like the biggest loser, unhappy, unfulfilled and the only thing lower than my 40% average in financial accounting was my will to live, lol! I’m joking.

Part of what that has taught me is that happiness and personal fulfillment has very little to do with how other people view you. I have learnt not to focus on vanity metrics and other people’s markers of success, but rather on my principles and my values, because that’s what makes me happy at the end of the day.

I have mentioned in the beginning of this piece that I have been in a rush to get to the next point of my life, as a result I’ve never really appreciated many of life’s present moments because my eyes have always been fixated on the next destination, I felt that it’s where my joy lies. I have learned that joy comes in the process and the journey, it is found along the way and it is not a destination to be arrived at once I tick off the next box on my to-do life list. Finding joy in the trial-and errors of the process has significantly added value to my growth and personal fulfillment.

I have wondered if some of your personal experiences might be the same. Your struggles might be with school, finances, love and even family. You might have private fears about your place in the future and the value of your contribution and wondering if you will ever even get there. Would it help you to know that just about everyone goes through the same thing at one point or another? I don’t wish to negate any individual struggle but to just put it into perspective that perhaps you’re not as alone as you may feel and your difficulties don’t represent a unique kind of affliction that is specially visited upon you and not others.

In fortifying you against discouragement, I want to share the words of F. Scott who said “trouble has no necessary connection to discouragement, discouragement has a germ of it’s own, as different to trouble as athritis is different from a stiff joint”.

Discouragement is frequently a small germ, hardly worth seeing the doctor for, but it can work and it can grow, and become a way of life and a way of thinking—to use Jeffrey R Holland’s words. It can erode the deepest religious commitments of faith and hope, dampen our spirit and have damaging effects that block our growth. So take heart, and don’t be discouraged, this isn’t some cracker-barrel advice, it is theology brothers and sisters. lol!

Moreover, not knowing what you want to become or pursue can be daunting and can feel lonely too, at most it can make you question the validity of your existence. I offer up a different point of view, I believe we can all make meaningful contributions, all in different ways, through our talents and our passions, we have all got something to give.

The journey of learning and becoming, more casually put “figuring it out” is hardly a straightforward task, there are blind alleys, disappointments and concepts arrived at only to be discarded at a later stage, but gradually, it is possible to come to a deeper understanding of what our individual existence is all about. Until that time, I hope that you are finding joy in your journey.

With love,

Mbali