Relationships as a vote for the kind of person you want to be

Dear Reader,

Lately, I’ve been thinking about relationships, not just romantic ones, but the full spectrum: friendships, professional connections, essentially, the whole nine yards.

Being in a new country has inevitably confronted me with the task of creating new relationships. And in that newness, I’ve found myself asking: why do I connect deeply with some people, and not at all with others?

Over time, a pattern revealed itself.

The people I naturally gravitate toward, the ones I feel most at ease with, all carry something I want for myself. Not in a competitive way. Not in a comparative way. But in a directional way.

They possess traits I am actively trying to grow into or further refine within myself.

As it turns out, we’re wired for connection. We instinctively want to be in agreement with the people around us, whether or not they reflect who we aspire to be. It’s a deeply human impulse. But natural does not automatically mean necessary, or beneficial.

A study by Solomon Asch shows that we value social conformity so much that we’ll change our own responses, even our perceptions, to align with the group, even when the group is blatantly wrong. We value belonging so much that we will sometimes override what we know to be right to maintain it.

This isn’t inherently a problem if you’re surrounded by, let’s say, monks, or by people you genuinely want to resemble.

Most of us aren’t.

We don’t always get to choose our colleagues, our classmates, or even our home environments. But friendships and romantic relationships are different. They are, to a large extent, chosen.

And that choice matters.

We are far more influenced by the people around us than we’re sometimes even aware of. Influence itself is neutral. It can elevate you, or it can erode you.

If we are inevitably shaped by those around us, then the real question isn’t whether we’re being influenced.

It’s whether we’re being influenced in the direction we want to go.

To add colour to this reflection, here are the traits I see consistently in the people I’m currently closest to:

A belief in a higher power.
Ambition.
Optimism.

To soften things, I must tell you that I’ve never consciously screened for these qualities. I’ve never sat across from someone thinking, Do you qualify? And yet, my inner compass seems to recognize them instinctively.

There’s a clarity when I’m with these people. Conversations flow without friction. A dinner becomes less about the restaurant or the bill and more about the person across the table.

It feels like alignment.

This doesn’t mean I can’t respect, work well with, or even enjoy people who don’t share these traits. I can. But closeness is different.

You begin to see the world through the mental posture of the people you’re closest to. Their level of hope influences yours. Their sense of possibility expands or contracts your own. Their faith, or lack of it, subtly frames how you interpret life.

So, Reader, I encourage you to notice what pulls you toward the people you’re closest to. Ask yourself why. And from a place of awareness and intention, carve out relationships that reflect your values and aspirations.

A friendship should be a vote for the kind of person you want to become.

The people you choose will quietly and subtly shape the lens through which you see the world, and eventually, the world you build for yourself.